Saturday, January 19, 2013

A Past Due Celebration

I have been cigarette free since August 11, 2012, and it feels amazing. I never thought I'd have the willpower to survive the cravings and was afraid I'd eat my cravings away and gain a ton of weight. I have gained a few pounds, but luckily, my cravings have slowed and stopped for most of the time and I can't be more proud about how I've stuck it out and accomplished something that I delayed doing for fear of failure for almost 10 years. Life without cigarettes is fun. I don't have to sneak away and come back feeling bad for smelling like stale smoke. Or, feel bad that my current boyfriend had to taste an ashtray when we kissed, and brushing my teeth a million times never used to take it all away.

 I know that I was only successful because for the first time in the five times I "tried" to quit, I really wanted to quit this time. My lungs hurt on a daily basis, I had no stamina or lung capacity and would easily get winded, and I realized that I needed to start taking care of me. Especially since I seem to be a late bloomer and still haven't met a wonderful life partner yet, I really started to think about how shitty it would be to finally find the right man and then die shortly after from lung cancer. Plus, I want kids, and I was having trouble keeping up with my nephews without being extremely winded, so I just knew it was time for a change.

Now, having accomplished that and getting my debt almost paid off and sticking to a tight budge, I need to take on exercising more and learning to eat right. These are hard ones for me, as I've done it for awhile, so the habits are fully ingrained. However, quitting the devil cigarette sticks seemed just as daunting, but I was able to do that, so why not the other? I'm going to take pole dance aerobics, to make it fun and not feel as much like just working out. Plus, I'm determined to walk more. As for my diet, I'm working in more nutritious things, and working out some of the not so healthy things I eat one at a time. Baby steps.

Ironically, I started this entry to celebrate accomplishments and then quickly went into things that still need to be changed by me. One of my friends told me that I am too hard on myself and don't ever celebrate what good I've done or had in my life, and they are so right. I don't mean to, but I guess I am just very critical of myself and find it hard to celebrate one accomplishment when I still see so many left to go. So I'm forcing myself to go back to a celebration of the hard work I've put into growing as a person and feeling more comfortable in my own skin.

I'm thankful that I've gotten to spend more time with my nephews and have been able to watch and share in their growing up. I'm thankful that I have a good job teaching elementary art and truthfully enjoy the students who love to learn as well as the ones who are so self-conscious about their artistic abilities that I've been challenged to council and cheer-lead for them to get them past their own frustrations with their capabilities. I'm thankful for so many good friends. I don't get to see them very often, as most have spouses and/or children or live so very far away, but they are always there for me when I need them, no matter what is going on in their lives. I couldn't ask for more. ;) I am proud of my two degrees, especially living under poverty while getting my masters. I'm proud of the guts it took for me to take so many long road trips alone. I'm proud of how I am more able to say what is on my mind and confront difficult situations in a timely and appropriate fashion. I'm proud of my intelligence, humor, honesty, playfulness, maternal instinct, natural looks, open mind, love of learning and discovering new cultures and perspectives, as well as discovering the beauty and complexity of of nature.

I am a good person and deserve happiness and should stop dwelling on things that are out of my control and start focusing on the areas I can control. I also need to give myself more grace. I put myself out there and can fall hard, but I don't think I'd have it any other way. That is me, and even when it can blow up in my face, I still think it is a unique and good quality and am proud I don't have to hide or deny my feelings or thoughts any more.

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